Offensive Trees & Holiday Cheer

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This time of year is special for so many reasons. There is a lot more giving, a lot more emotional mushiness, a lot more family time, a lot more cookies and eggnog, and a lot more people getting offended over things or ideas they don’t agree with. Now, I’m looking around me, listening to all these people I care about or maybe even perfect strangers getting wound up about what things they find offensive, and I am beginning to feel a bit left out. I’m just not an easily offended person, but you know….when in Rome…..well, I’ve decided to join in with everyone else.

After a great deal of soul searching, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m deeply offended by trees. Now that I realize I’m so offended by trees, I expect everyone, everywhere, to agree with me.

Driving down our local neighborhood streets, I’ve noticed people plant trees RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN, I mean…..like right in their front yards! Since I have to drive past their houses in my daily business, I’m going to start attending township board meetings and demand all trees in our village be removed from my line of vision. I will not rest until all the trees are gone. My right to not be offended trumps your right to have trees in your yard! In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution somewhere.

Furthermore, since Thanksgiving has passed, I’ve realized people actually have the gall to bring trees inside their houses! Well I won’t have it! This nonsense has to go! My eyes should not be assaulted in this manner! I should be able to go wherever I want without having to be offended by decorated trees in random stranger’s windows. I’m so angry about this topic, I started a Facebook page in an attempt to reach out to other Tree Haters (www.wehatestupidtrees.facebook.com). We’re there to support one another, talk about the many ways trees have ruined our lives, and also to try to change our local laws. I know, I know, we’re just a little grass movement, but at least we’re trying to stop this tree loving madness that’s been running rampant for far too long. What’s that? You don’t know what a grass movement is? Oh. Well, it’s pretty much like a grass-roots movement, but since the word “roots’ is often associated with the very trees we are so offended by, we just deleted it.

EXCUSE ME? What? We need trees for oxygen? I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR OXYGEN!! I only care about my family, and in my family, we are offended by trees. You can just go find your oxygen someplace else, someplace that’s not offensive to me. I’ve never really believed that old theory about needing trees to create oxygen. I don’t believe in science. Clearly, you are just one of the millions of sheep, not thinking for yourself. If you thought for yourself, you’d realize I am far more intelligent than any lame scientist you’ve read about. How do you think people were breathing before there were trees? Yeah. Exactly. Don’t you feel stupid now? Well, that’s because you are. Stupid I mean. I’m not trying to be cruel, it’s just a fact. You aren’t as smart as I am. End of story. PERIOD.

You might not believe this, but at a recent elementary school concert, the kids sang “O Christmas Tree”. I was furious! I complained to the principal and the superintendent. It’s just not right! These poor, impressionable young children are being taught that trees are something good! I want the music teacher fired! That teacher has NO RIGHT to teach these innocent kids that it’s alright to love trees. He is FORCING his beliefs on the children! I WILL NOT HAVE IT. I will write letters! (But only on paper that’s been recycled from plastic. I don’t believe in using paper created from trees.)

I suppose it’s possible that you’ve not yet realized you also hate trees. You may think you love those filthy, bark-covered abominations, but that’s only because you’ve not yet opened your mind to what I believe. I can forgive you for being so narrow-minded, but only if you decide to believe as I do. What I feel is right is the only way to believe, and if you believe something different, well then, I hate you and everything you stand for. Simply the act of believing something different than I do means I must hate you, and your very existence offends me. There is absolutely no room for diversity. I know that I am right, so that must make you…..well, wrong.

Now, I suppose I could pack up our belongings and move my children someplace else to live, someplace devoid of trees and those annoying, tree-hugging people I so despise, but that would be giving in. I will never give up this fight!

What’s that you say? You think YOU have rights to believe whatever you want? Well, you’re correct. You have the right to believe whatever you want, as long as it’s exactly the same thing I believe. If you adhere to a different belief system, then you are SHOVING YOUR BELIEFS DOWN MY THROAT, simply by planting a tree in your backyard, or putting up a Christmas tree in your living room. In fact, if you voice your opinion out loud in my presence, I consider that to be not only hate speech, but also inciting to riot. I have rights, you know! I’m an American, and that means I am constitutionally protected from hearing words or seeing an action I don’t like. Actually, I think that’s in the Constitution…..but it may have been the Gettysburg Address. Either way, see, I’m in the right and legally protected.

In summary, I fully support your freedom and your ability to believe what you feel is best. After all, we do live in America. Please feel free to believe in and teach your family whatever you feel in your soul is right, as long as it’s exactly the same thing I believe. In doing so, I am exercising my rights and freedoms, and by agreeing with me, you are utilizing your rights and freedoms. See? I’m no Tree Zealot. I’m just a very reasonable person who happens to realize I am the only one who knows what is right.

(This post is a work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect the views of this station and/or its affiliates.)

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